Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
