I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
