Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Found your dick twin last night
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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