Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
