you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
