I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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