So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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