A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
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