david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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