bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
