I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
