it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
