I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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