I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
