The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
