The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
