I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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