if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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