Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
