Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
