I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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