Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
did i walk over a car last night?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
