I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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