i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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