I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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