Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
