So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
