my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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