So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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