I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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