i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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