You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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