I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
