i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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