I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
