glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
they need to just BURY HIM!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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