Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
