Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
