You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
