Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
