After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
