You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
