well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
That was before I lit my hair on fire
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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