we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
