I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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