hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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