I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
