Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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