I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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