Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
