you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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