: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
