yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
