After last night, I could never be a politician.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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