he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
