I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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