Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
