i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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