She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
