I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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