Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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