Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
