dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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